How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
