Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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