This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
