The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
