I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
whose parrot is this?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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