Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
