im drinking this country out of the recession.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
