Hey man sorry I got all grabby
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
