She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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