Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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