No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
