Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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