You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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