You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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