Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
