the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
