i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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