my sisters under your porch take her home
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
