Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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