we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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