what day is it and did you see me today?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
