I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There r osticjed everywhere
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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