Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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