seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
