Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
