I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
