sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
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