You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
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She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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