96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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