My liver just broke up with me...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
