My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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