I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
