Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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