Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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