also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
