I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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