last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was CRYING into my vagina
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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