my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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