I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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