So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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