Define "chronic" masturbator.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
