he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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