I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
