she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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