We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
