I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
