"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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