the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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