She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just found puke in my bra..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
