Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
