Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
