Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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