i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
