I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
