I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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