Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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