I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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