So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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