You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
