i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
