dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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