my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
